We have a problem in coaching. We sell it as a service. That sets it up in a way that doesn’t serve the thinker. Unfortunately, when they see it as a service, they expect (perhaps subconsciously) to be served.
Not only that, they are used to being students. They may (subconsciously again) see this as an extension of a student-teacher relationship. It’s not!
The most valuable service we can provide is to get them to think – to build and sustain their own thinking muscles. But that feels like hard work to the thinker. It’s not what they expect of a service provider, who would normally make things easier for them, not harder.
So that selling piece gets in the way of the partnership that we need to create – a partnership where our role as coach is to help them to think rather than to think for them; and their role is to think and then be different and act differently. Their role and responsibilities in this partnership require a lot from them.
Right from the start of the coaching then (and before that, as part of our sales), we, the coach, need to speak of this as a partnership, and act accordingly. We are travelling into the unknown together.
Creating a partnership
First things first, let’s move away from calling them a client – which assumes some kind of service. Let’s also not call them the coachee, as this assumes that they will having coaching done to them, rather than them being in partnership.
Then we co-create the coaching agreement as a way of partnering. (That’s the obvious one).
We are transparent about the time we have to play with; and we continue to be transparent about that so that we can, in partnership, manage the time we have together to be most useful for the thinker.
We talk about “we” eg, how shall we do this work together today? (rather than what would you like from me today?)
We ask them where they want to start, rather than deciding for them.
We continue to ask them where they want to take their thinking next, rather than presuming that we, the coach, knows the best direction to take it.
We are ok with not knowing; and we walk alongside them as they start to discover their own knowing.
We resist the invitations from them to move into mentoring or teaching or consultancy, that they will almost inevitably slip into, because that’s the student habit and it’s hard to break.
We stay in adult mode, rather than parent; inviting them to be in adult mode with us.
Even when we are pinning them down to action, we stay in adult mode. This is not about the teacher setting homework that the student must do or fail.
The same goes for checking in on their progress – this shouldn’t feel like they are reporting back to their teacher. Rather, we ask them “what are you learning about yourself in between sessions?”
We don’t presume that all of the learning and thinking happens in the coaching sessions – if we do a good job of wrapping up the session, they will continue to think and grow on their own.
What else do you notice about creating a partnership in coaching?
This is a really helpful and thought provoking blog Clare and one that did make me stop and think. How we position and sell our coaching, the language we are using all does tend to contribute to creating the service and not partnership. One I think I’ll take to coaching supervision to explore further.