Being an adult

So I’ve shared the first draft of the conversation starters, and I mentioned yesterday that we are going to add a different layer to them that enables the supervisee to come to the conversation fully prepared, in adult mode.  I’ve mentioned this adult thing a few times lately, so let me explain more.

But first I wanted to say that if you are a supervisor, don’t wait for these conversation starters to be finalised.  They are a good enough state for you to start using them with your people.  If they move the dial just a degree, think what a difference that will make on the conversations we have around here, and the meaning that you will bring to the work lives of our people.  So maybe print out the conversation starters and start those conversations.  Report back of course, in the comments, about the impact you have.

And if you are a supervisee waiting for your supervisor to initiate these conversations, don’t.  Go and ask for the conversation you want/need that will help you to become better engaged and increase your productivity.

So, adults.

Of course we’re all adults, you say.  Yes, but….we also sometimes act like parents and sometimes we act like children.  In the workplace, and in life.  And whichever ego state we are in, that can affect the ego state of the people around us.

So if I go into parental mode, that could prompt the other person to take on a child-like stance.  So if I tell someone what they “should” do, that could disempower them and make them act like a child, following along because “Mum” says it’s the right thing to do.  Not that the other person would consciously realise that they are going into child mode; it’s kind of scripted from early life and it just happens.

The same might happen the other way around, if I approached Bob in child mode, metaphorically stamping my little feet about something.  He might be tempted, sub-consciously, into parenting me.  Maybe in the “there, there, it’s ok Clare” kind of nurturing parenting style, or maybe in the “don’t be ridiculous” critical parenting style.  Neither of which would help me to solve the issue.  He’s not done this by the way (at least not since he’s been my boss).

Instead what he’s done is to remain firmly in adult mode, which prompts me to get into adult mode too.  So he asks me questions that help me to think things through, he summarises what I have said to be sure we’ve both understood the same thing, he makes observations about the facts, while also acknowledging my feelings, and he asks me what I am learning.  I tell you what, there is no better way to get me to step into my full power than these kinds of behaviors.

(By the way, I don’t want to put Bob up on a pedestal as the perfect boss – that will put even more pressure on him than he already has with me on his team!  But I am recognising that he makes an effort to understand me, and he is supportive and challenging in the right measure for me in the context of the business needs.  Thanks Bob.  I’ll stop before this gets too sycophantic.).

Now, I am not saying that we always need to be in adult mode.  Sometimes it is absolutely the right thing to step into nurturing parent as a way to show our empathy.  As long as we recognise the right time to move back to adult.  And sometimes, it is absolutely the right thing to be in creative child – that’s where innovation comes from.  I have recognised something about that recently myself….that I need to be in creative child when I am drafting my blog, but I also need to move into editing adult just before I publish, to be sure I haven’t said anything I shouldn’t.  So it’s a both/and approach.

So I am not saying we always need to be in adult mode.  I think it would be pretty dull.

I am saying that as supervisors, we need to recognise that moving into adult mode can help our supervisees to step into adult mode, so that they can become independent, critical thinkers.

I am also saying that as supervisees, we need to be in adult mode if we want our needs to be heard and met.  We need to stop blaming our supervisor for not having enough time to spend with us (or maybe it’s not blaming, but rather giving them that get-out clause) and then whining to others that we aren’t getting the support that we need.  This is unhelpful child-like behavior.  Instead, we need to speak up and ask for what we need.

That includes ASKING for conversations to happen.  Which is the conversation that you need to ask your boss to have with you?  What’s the one topic you have been avoiding that, if you had the conversation, would make all the difference to your engagement and your work?

So what can you do to embrace your adult self today?

If you want to learn more about this, read about Transactional Analysis.