So you’ve overcome your own discomfort about giving feedback…but then you are faced with someone who takes everything as a negative, someone who thinks you are picking on them. How do you address that?
First, look to yourself. How objective are you being when you give that feedback? In other words, what real-life example are you giving about the behavior that you want them to stop, start or continue? It’s crucial that you get specific about this – beating about the bush will not work.
Second, think about the relationship that you have with this person. What kind of trust have you built with them over time? You cannot expect to waltz in there and give your feedback, if you don’t already have some trust built between you. Identify the every day actions you can take that will build trust – and the actions to avoid that will diminish trust.
I realise that you may be in a new relationship with them, in which case, they may still mistrust your motives. So explain your motive – that you want to support them in their growth and learning. Be honest with them.
Ok, so those first two are about you. Now, on to the third step.
You cannot control their reaction.
Don’t even expect that you can.
Therefore, if they are negative, and don’t want to accept the feedback, they own that response. But here’s what might be happening…they might be inviting you into a game. A game where they play the victim, inviting you to play either the persecutor role or the rescuer role.
The persecutor role is where you “hit back” at them, scolding them for being so negative, advocating that if they don’t listen to you, they’ll be in trouble. Those kinds of behaviors put you squarely into the persecutor role.
The rescuer role, on the other hand, is a role where you try to make them feel better, perhaps diminishing the feedback, or offering them sympathy.
Neither of these roles serves you or them well. It will most likely keep them in victim-mode – or they might move to persecutor and turn on you instead!
So what is the alternative? You could move to resourcer, helping them to identify ways that they could resolve this issue for themselves.
Or you could move to the potent role. This is making it clear what needs to happen, without blame, aggression or punishment; defining boundaries and believing that everyone’s needs are important.
Whatever happens though, the key is to move from game-playing to authenticity. Not everyone realises the game they are playing (in fact, most often they don’t know they are doing it), so you could have a conversation about what you both see happening here.
What’s your experience? How do you handle this kind of situation?
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