Get rid of your apprehension about difficult conversations once and for all

There is something really fundamental that we need to grasp if we are to change our behaviors around giving feedback. 

Recognize that without feedback, transformative change is impossible.  The other person cannot read your mind.  In fact, leaving things unsaid, both positive and constructive, leads to a gap that your people will fill.  They will start to question and doubt their contribution, and they’ll soon become disengaged as a result.  Conversely, giving them those difficult messages will enable them to change and grow.

So you have to believe this in order to make progress in your quest to give feedback.  Without feedback, transformative change is impossible.

Next, know that having hard conversations is uncomfortable.  That discomfort will likely never go away, so waiting for it to subside will only lead to the gap above.  The discomfort will not subside.  So don’t wait to give that feedback.  Instead, get used to that discomfort.  It is perfectly normal. 

Acknowledge the uneasiness or discomfort you may feel when giving a person feedback.  Say something like “As I am telling you this, I’m aware of how uncomfortable I am”.  A simple acknowledgment honours your experience and can minimize the perceived threat of the feedback experience from the receiver’s perspective. 

The discomfort may be on their side too, but real learning, critical thinking and change can only happen when we create some kind of shift in the system.  Sure, they may be defensive to start with, but you can explain to them that you are giving this feedback because you care.  That it is to help them to learn, and to think for themselves.  They will respect you more for being honest with them. 

I’m not saying that giving feedback is easy.  But it is part of our job description as supervisors and managers.  So it’s time we stopped putting it off, just because it’s uncomfortable.

What feedback will you give today?

[the thoughts in this blog are adapted from the Center for Creative Leadership, and Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly]