Today’s post is from Berit Ohn, Master Certified Coach.
Berit writes:
The situation
The other day when I was coaching an external client of ours, he mentioned his difficulty of receiving what he called “negative or critical feedback”. He defined himself as a high achiever, almost a perfectionist, and he had noticed that every time his boss or even some of his peers were criticizing him his teeth clenched, his shoulders went up in tension, and he felt a jolt of fearful and unpleasant energy rushing through his heart and body. He wanted to be open and able to effortlessly receive feedback, but felt it was so uncomfortable that his body reacted almost automatically by wanting to “pick a fight or flee the scene”. His natural habitual pattern was to explain, argue or defend himself when this happened, but lately he had been able to not say anything. He realized that this was greatly impacting his day and his leadership and wanted my help to acquire new habits and behaviors around this.
Coach’s perception
Creating new habitual patterns is possible, if you are willing to invest a few minutes every day practicing new ways of thinking, feeling and doing persistently over 2-3 months time for it to become more effortless and eventually becoming your new “default style”. It is a lot of ways that we as coaches might assist our clients in these types of efforts. In this specific coaching I wanted to use what I call “Maria’s law of reception” – which is a 3 step process (description below) that can be used whenever you are ready and willing to receive something from someone, no matter if it is positive (appraisal, acknowledgements, compliments, love of actual gifts) or developmental or even what might be considered as negative critique – in a healthy accountable and empowering way.
Coaching exercise
I invited the client to visualize himself standing right in front of one of his people who wanted to give him feedback. “Visualize yourself being in a relaxed, confident and open state – receiving what the other person is giving you verbally with your hand outstretched (what we call dissociated state), like you are receiving a gift from him with your open hand. Listening actively to the “sender’s” positive intention with the message, noticing what he says, how he says it, repeating a summary of it and saying “Thank you”. (Step 1).
Then, still with your hand outstretched, without taking ANYTHING IN (meaning not making it hit your body yet), do a quick reflection and check out how it resonates with you, if it is yours, even if it might make you slightly uncomfortable to realize – but still is a relevant point which you might benefit from taking ownership for (step 2) – and if so – say something about what you feel or see is relevant and that you will do something about – and then put it in your heart (step 3) meaning letting it influence you emotionally (associate with it).
This means that you do not need to discuss it, explain or argue, but notice and take it with you and make a plan for HOW you will work further with it. If, on the other hand, it is NOT resonating with you, and you do NOT feel that it is relevant for you at all, then simply drop it to the ground without it ever impacting your body or your heart.
You might want to practice many times around, starting with someone you trust, asking them to give you (unpredicted) feedback, both what is seen as positive and negative. Then take the next baby step, asking someone you work closely with, to do the same. Then your career counsellor and finally you might actively ask your supervisor to give you direct feedback.
Exercise explanation Maria’s Law”:
….With reference to the little story from the Bible, when Maria learned that she was pregnant
1. She took the words
i.e. noticed what was said with an open mind and received them with an open hand
2. Pondered over them
i.e. she thought about them, still holding them in her hand to check if they resonated with her heart and mind
3. And then put them in her heart
i.e. after she had checked out that they belong to her heart
It is this receiving skill we want to train ourselves and our clients in, so that the appreciative and developmental feedback can be effectively and powerfully received without discourage or “damage” to our motivation.
