Love is important to me, as you know by now if you’ve been following this blog series! And it appears that I am not the only one who is sharing their love of love out loud and into this coaching space. I want to build momentum through this beautifully loving community, so I have invited those I have connected with to write something of their own here. The remit was to articulate something that they hadn’t seen in my writing to date.
It seems that some people are really uncomfortable with this series on love. I’ve had a few more unsubscribes than normal. That tells me how edgy this is and I won’t apologise for that. Look around us: Love is so needed in today’s world. We (coaches) are the vanguard of change in that respect.
Christopher Miller writes this week’s blog post…
The Language of Love
How can we make loving conversations more accessible? What would it take to make dialogues about love easier, safer, and more fun, especially for men?
Following a little over 18 months invested in heart-centred leadership, I am struck by the gender bias that seems to firmly exist in the area of a compassionate style of leading followers and organisations. Female leaders have a natural affinity and ability to apply empathy and caring to lift the culture of their team or organisation, and combine this with performance/results. Male leaders, by contrast, are often focused on results first, efficiency, productivity and outputs, with a caring approach being adopted when necessary or advocated by another (female-led) part of the organisation.
What if it is not either/or but both? What if both genders are capable of leveraging a compassionate style of leadership that lifts performance and need to be encouraged to do so? How can we ensure that caring for the fulfilment and well-being of their followers is the primary responsibility of a leader, with organisational performance a by-product of the health of the human beings?
I am on a mission to expand love on the planet at this time, through practical tools to help couples, families, teams, organisations and communities experience more love. This mission emerged unexpectedly following the death of my wife, Fiona, to brain cancer in 2021. I had the deepest privilege of finding an amazing life partner in 1997, and for the next 24 years, we had the joy of experiencing unconditional love for each other and bringing the same to our family.
When Fiona got sick and subsequently passed away, my grief was fierce and very, very deep. The first 12 months are a forgotten mystery of paralysis and living one day at a time. Our boys Cameron and Ross, and our dog Tali, kept me alive just by giving me a daily purpose. In losing Fiona, my love for her had to emerge somewhere. Initially, this love was focused on our boys, who were navigating their own grief and finding a new normal at high school and University.
As more time passed, I realised I had more love to give, and some of this came out in my creative efforts. Three years after losing Fiona, I launched Expansive.Love, which offers a road map for Heart-Centred Leadership and a future where expanding love becomes a practical experience for anyone who needs or wants it. At the same time, I created a Let’s Talk Love card deck to facilitate meaningful conversations about fulfilment, inspiration, success, and happiness (FISH) to feel more love. The deck offers FISH cards and Love Category cards (Love Yourself, Love Your Life, Family Love, Love of Intimacy) in equal measure, which help make the conversations wide and accessible for everyone playing the game. One of my favourite rules is – You don’t have to answer a card; you can always exchange for a new one. This makes the whole experience safe for everyone around the table. When I facilitate, I also encourage everyone to refrain from offering comment or challenge to the person answering the card, and to offer a thank you for their courage to share.
I have played the game with professional clients (male and female), intimate couples, families (with children as young as 8) and most emotionally, with my own family. I have played three or four times with my sons, and each time our gameplay has revealed an openness and emotional depth that has left me speechless. Most recently, we played with my two sons and my parents (who were nervous about the vulnerability). As the game progressed, we got braver and braver, which culminated in my 16-year-old son Ross answering a question about intimacy in front of his grandparents. Developing the cards was worth that one moment alone!
Personally and professionally, I am also beginning to find that everyone has an appreciation for the power of love in almost any situation.
Consider the following contexts and ask these questions:
- For your current most significant problem – What would love do?
- In your most challenging relationship – What would love say?
- In facing your greatest fear – How would love feel?
One of the most powerful client examples in using these questions was a leader facing the dilemma of making someone redundant. What would love do/say? were pivotal to shaping the most congruent and compassionate action, that were in service to both the person being made redundant AND the leader having to make the decision.
As this example shows, perhaps we have no control over how much love we receive, but we have 100% control over how much love we give.
Love has the potential to change the world; we just have to have the courage to express it fully, unconditionally and without filters or fear. Conversations about love do not have to be scary and offer a practical way to expand love for the benefit of everyone who participates.
If you’d like to contact Chris, you’ll find him here:
Email: chris@christopher-miller.com
Website: www.Christopher-Miller.com
This series has truly touched me. Just as I discovered these posts, I became even more aware of something I’ve long sensed: there’s a profound difference between coaching as craft and coaching that flows from the heart—the warmth, the acceptance, the presence, the quiet space that holds and transforms. Seeing this energy named and shared so openly in our coaching space makes it come alive in a new way. In a world that so urgently needs connection, care, and presence, it feels like a call to us coaches—who better than us to embody this, to nurture it, and to let it ripple through our work and communities? Thank you for inviting us to step fully into this edge, to feel it, and to witness the subtle yet immense power it carries.
I’m so pleased Naila. I had begun the wonder, as some people have unsubscribed. But I see love as a vital part of our work. You may want to listen in to the podcast series that Helena Clayton is hosting on behalf of the AC about love in coaching, to be released in November I think.