For some reason, there seems to be a myth that as leaders, we have to be strong. We have to be on top of things at all times. We have to hide our flaws from others so they don’t think us weak. We must look calm all of the time, even if we are paddling frantically underneath the surface.
The trouble with that is three-fold:
- People around us will think we are coping remarkably well and they won’t step in to help where we might need it (I saw this in a strong leader I was coaching the other day, who is feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders but is not showing it to anyone on her team)
- As a result, we get overwhelmed by our unacknowledged emotions and are more likely to reach burnout, thus perpetuating the very thing we are trying to avoid – vulnerability
- People admire others who admit to their vulnerabilities for their courage.
You may have seen one or more of Brene Brown’s talks about vulnerability. If you haven’t, this one is well worth a watch to remove any misperceptions you have about it. It’s had 52 million views!
Vulnerability is a good thing
But we are fearful of showing our vulnerability. Buddhism suggests that human-kind has five great fears:
- Fear of death – or in a smaller way, fear of endings.
- Fear of public speaking – or in a smaller way, fear of being visible. So we hide our light under a bushel. Or we act strong, so people do not realise what is really going on for us.
- Fear of losing your mind (and reputation). So we take small or no risks to avoid losing our reputation, to be seen as strong.
- Fear of loss of livelihood. So we don’t rock the boat at work. We stay in our comfort zone where we can be strong.
- Fear of illness. Unfortunately, we often do things at work that can lead us to illness, such as working long hours, taking on too much, getting stressed about the amount we are juggling and whether we will drop any balls.
You can see how these fears lead us into showing up as strong to mask the fears, the vulnerabilities.
Perhaps we have this picture in our mind of chickens pecking out the feathers of the weakest chicken. Or other animals leaving a sick animal to die so that they can find food to keep themselves alive. But we are humans. We don’t (I hope) peck others’ feathers out; we don’t leave others to die.
Maybe we are mixing up weakness and vulnerability here. Vulnerability is admitting that we need help. It is understanding our feelings about something, and then being able to articulate what we need. It is saying, “I can’t do it all alone”.
Nor should a leader be doing it all alone!! Your role is to leverage your team’s skills and motivations, to achieve way more than you could do alone. But sometimes, they need encouragement to step up. If they think that you have it all under control, they will leave you to it. They won’t feel any need to step up. That is your failing not theirs. They can’t help if they don’t know what is needed.
What if you admitted to not being very good at something?
Someone else on the team might be brilliant at it. If the two of you consciously balance each other out, that’s not a failure on your part, it’s a success. My old boss, Bob, was (and still is) a brilliant visionary. But by his own admission, he wasn’t so good at the operations. I was (and still am) good at operations. So we complemented each other perfectly. That made for a winning team.
Like all the polarities of leadership, this yin and yang is just as relevant for face-to-face working as virtual. But I imagine you are saying to yourself, “but it’s not so easy to admit to my feelings over the phone or zoom”. Where does that belief come from? I honestly don’t get it. I can be just as honest virtually as I can face-to-face. In fast, as an introvert, I think I might actually find it easier virtually. Putting up the virtual barrier is just an excuse because it’s hard anyway, not because it’s virtual. So please stop using that as an excuse.
I do think people have been somewhat more vulnerable in work since the pandemic. Seeing into others’ homes for example. Seeing their babies or dogs or cats. These are all glimpses into what makes the person human. But we mustn’t stop there. This is giving us the opportunity to change the face of work, to embrace more love at work. LOVE? Yes, love. This is Helena Clayton’s speciality and I encourage you to read this beautiful blog post from her about love in the workplace. The ultimate in being vulnerable.
You may like to read the other blogs in this series on Virtual Leadership, you’ll find the link further down the page to ‘Task & Relationship’.
