Blakey and Day talk of the loving boot. That’s what Craig White talks about here in this next post from my wonderful guest bloggers about love in coaching.
It’s love that is “fierce and clear and grounded”. I’m so enjoying reading how others express love in their coaching. It feels useful for us all to find our own way in.
Over to Craig…
What do we really mean when we say ‘love’?
It’s not a word I would’ve used lightly a few years ago. Especially not in the context of coaching. Especially not when I was working with elite performers, leaders, rugby lads, ex-forces men.
But over time, it’s become clear: love is central to what I do.
Not romantic love. Not hand-on-heart, ‘sending hugs’ kind of love. The love I’m talking about is grounded, fierce, steady. The kind of love that holds a mirror up. The kind that shows up. The kind that won’t let you off the hook.
Coaching men with love doesn’t always look loving on the surface. But it’s there in every session. In the pauses, the truth-telling, and the refusal to collude.
This kind of love starts with presence, not performance
Most men I work with aren’t used to being seen or heard without judgment. They’re used to being fixed. Evaluated. Told what to do.
They’ve been performing all their lives. At work. At home. Even in therapy or coaching. Performing what they think is expected. Hiding anything that feels too raw, too vulnerable, too ‘weak’.
So when I sit with them, fully present, and just see them without trying to solve or steer or impress, something changes.
That kind of presence can be disarming, even uncomfortable, but it’s one of the deepest expressions of love I know.
It says:
- You don’t need to earn this space
- You don’t need to entertain me; and
- You don’t need to be anything other than what you are, right now
It also means challenging, not just holding
There’s a story out there that love means being gentle.
And yes, sometimes it does, but not always.
Coaching with love also means challenging someone when they’re hiding. Naming the thing they don’t want to look at. Calling them forward when they’re capable of more.
I don’t challenge men because I want to prove a point; I challenge them because I believe in them.
I know what’s possible when they step into their full presence, and I’m not going to let them sell themselves short.
That’s love too; it’s the kind that says I see who you really are, and I won’t let you keep playing small.
Love that respects emotional pace
Some of the men I work with have never been asked how they really feel.
Not just “how’s work?” or “how’s the family?” but you… how are you?
Even fewer have been given the space to answer honestly, without being interrupted, mocked or analysed.
So I don’t force that.
I don’t push them to open up before they’re ready. I don’t need them to cry on cue to prove they’re doing the work.
Love means going at their pace, even when it’s slow, or messy, or I can see the next step and they can’t.
That’s how trust is built, slowly and consistently. Through the steady presence of someone who isn’t trying to fix or impress, but simply be there.
Once that trust is there, everything else becomes possible, and the magic starts to unfold.
Do men really not want love in coaching?
I believe men do want love in coaching, they just don’t always know that’s what they’re craving.
I’ve worked with ex-rugby players, CEOs, soldiers, men who’ve led teams, built businesses, been through divorce, loss, breakdown, burnout.
None of them turned up asking for love.
They came asking for clarity. For direction. For accountability. For change.
But when they felt love through honest challenge, unwavering presence and acceptance, they let their guard down.
They stopped performing and started being. They found their way back to themselves.
Love doesn’t always come in the language men are used to, but when they experience it as something fierce and clear and grounded, it lands with them.
That’s because love isn’t weakness. Love is strength – the kind they’ve rarely been allowed to experience.
Why this matters now
Right now, I’m preparing to launch a new season of my podcast, Dare To Be Different. For the first two seasons, it’s been exclusively centred on men’s voices, but this time it will feature women.
Men need to hear from women. Not to be told off or shamed, but to understand, listen, and feel.
Too many men are emotionally malnourished. They’ve never learned how to speak the language of feeling. They don’t know how to listen beyond the surface.
If we want to change that, we need to start with presence. With listening. With love.
This podcast season is my way of saying: it’s time. Time to listen differently. Time to hear what we’ve not heard. Time to stop being defensive and start being curious.
That, to me, is also love.
So, I don’t believe coaching with love makes you soft; it makes you brave.
Brave enough to sit with silence, to challenge, to stay when it gets uncomfortable, and to care more about who someone is than what they do.
That’s the kind of love I coach with – deep, present and powerful.
And I reckon the world, and the men in it, could do with more of that.
Craig White
craig@craigwhitementoring.com
http://craigwhitementoring.com/
https://craigwhitementoring.com/programs/mid-life-intensive/
