We’re not far from Christmas now, a time when Christian children ask for what they most desire from Father Christmas. How many of us take a leaf out of children’s book and ask for what we desire?
I don’t mean the consumerist stuff that children mostly ask for. I mean how many of us ask for what we need with regards to Autonomy, Mastery, Purpose, Progress, Relatedness?
These have all been shown to be intrinsic human motivators, things we all crave for to feel fulfilled and to give ourselves forward momentum. (Deci and Ryan, Pink, Amabile). Yet we often hold ourselves back from asking for these needs to be met. Yes they are intrinsic – that is, they come from inside of us – but we can turbo-boost them by asking others to help us to gain more autonomy, more mastery, more purpose, more progress, more relatedness.
Turbo-boost examples
- When your boss hovers over you in that micro-managing way that he or she is prone to do, do you ask for space to figure it out for yourself to show that you make autonomous decisions?
- When you feel stuck in a rut in a job that doesn’t stretch you, do you ask for more challenging work? Or do you look for a role that might take you further out of your comfort zone so that you can master something new?
- Do you look for purpose in what you are doing? Perhaps asking a coach to help you to figure out what your own life purpose is?
- Do you ask for recognition on your progress? Recognising the small wins keeps us working towards the bigger goal, whatever that is. You may think that sounds needy – and it is. A basic human need!
- Do you find ways, even in the current climate, to connect with others? I’ve been making a concerted effort to meet with at least one friend each weekend for a catch up. That wouldn’t be a big deal in “normal” times, but right now, it feels like it is filling a much-needed gap for me in feeling connected as all of my work is virtual.
These are just some of the things you could ask for.
Do rock the boat
Too often, we put up with things and stay quiet. We choose not to ask for fear of rocking the boat or being seen to be needy or complaining or whiney. Maybe it’s time to knock down those imagined barriers to asking. What is the worst that could happen? I know the politics of organisations can feel difficult, but the times when I have felt nervous about asking for what I needed have always turned out to be easier than I thought. Often, it’s a win/win anyway, not just a win for you but a win for them and the business too.
The first step though is to figure out what you need for yourself, given your situation, your personality, your role, your context. Often, we don’t give ourselves the time to identify our own needs, and if we don’t know what we need, we can’t articulate that to other people.
Sometimes, we can get clues to our needs from the emotions we are feeling. Marshall Rosenburg writes about this in his book “Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life”. This is probably the most useful book you’ll ever read on expressing your needs.
I have been asking people lately:
- What are you noticing about your situation?
- How do you feel about that?
- What do you need as a result?
- Who can you ask for help in meeting that need?
Perhaps it’s time to ask yourself these questions as your Christmas gift to yourself. To be your own self-advocate.
