I’m being facetious of course, talking about magic in the middle of coaching. But if you can create a shift in the room, that does feels pretty special.
To create that shift, we don’t tell people what to do. That’s more likely to create push-back, even if it’s not immediate. People tend to do things that they come up with themselves, because it is something that fits with who they are and their context.
Exploring and Listening to create magic in the middle
Instead, we ask questions and listen. That’s it, that’s the magic. But it’s easier said than done, because getting out of that habit of telling people what to do contaminates our questions. For example, “have you thought of…..” is a question. But it’s advice disguised as a question. Much better to be exploring with open questions that help them to think through the situation.
Silence to create magic in the middle
In fact, silence is the best question. Allowing their train of thought to go where it needs to go. We ended our Beginning with the question “where would you like to start?” so that they start where it makes most sense to them to start. Then we keep out of their way, only asking questions when they need a little nudge, which is less frequent than you think. If you watch their eyes, you can tell whether they are still thinking, and you want them to stay with their agenda, so give them that space by staying silent.
Short questions to create magic in the middle
Other great questions that stay out of the way of their agenda are really short: “so?” “and…?” or a repeat of a word that they just used, with a question mark at the end of it, so that they continue to explore that.
Re-contracting to create magic in the middle
You can continue to stay out of their way by asking re-contracting questions that let them decide where they go next, such as “where are you now?” “where would you like to go next?” “we have x minutes left, what would give you the most value now?” “you said at the start that you wanted y, where do you need to go next to attend to that?” Or if the contract appears to be changing, you can check that out: “you said at the beginning that you wanted x, you are now talking about y; which way would you like to go from here?”
Actions to create magic in the middle
Only towards the end might you move into questions that are about what they might do differently as a result of this session. If you start this too early, the answers may not meet the underlying need that you haven’t yet surfaced. So that exploration is important first. The ending then helps them with their accountability to that.
If it helps you to remember this, think about Peter Hawkins’ and Nick Smith’s CLEAR model.
C = contract (use 3d’s STOKeRS)
L = Listen
E = Explore
A = Action
R = Review (use 3d’s CALF)
There’s lots more to that magical middle, but this gives you the basics. I’d love to hear about the magic that’s happening when you coach.
