The Spectrum of Love Through to Tough Love

Last time, we explored how love struggles to find its place in business language. Today, I’d like to examine how love actually manifests in coaching relationships, especially in the context of the question I posed at the end of the last post “Where are all the coaches when love is being cast aside by capitalism?”

The current and historical societal context

First, let’s put this in context.  It’s time for us to slow down to listen to how hurt the world is.  We have some “bonkers yardsticks” (Jude Schweppe’s words) about what it means to be a human being, which is much more about human doings.  That hurts.

At least, it hurts me to be measured that way.  I can’t speak for everyone else, but I suspect that if we put our minds to it, we might see a form of serfdom going on, whereby we are all beholden to what Tricia Hersey calls the “grind culture of capitalism”.  (Just as an aside, I live in a village with a Lord of the Manor and this doffing of hats is sometimes quite palpable).

Carol Gilligan and Hetty Einzig write that society and our coaching roots are guided by age-old male-influenced theories and systems (whether we are talking education, psychology, philosophy sports science, economics, spiritual traditions, social sciences, politics).  Developmental psychology is mostly deduced from observation of boys’ play, behaviours and choices.

These are the norms and standards by which all humans are measured and judged, says Gilligan.  Our legal structures and orderly society are all based on these standards.  “Bonkers yardsticks” that are out of date and are causing moral injury (Jonathan Shay, cited by Gilligan 2023).

Coaching has historically been underpinned by Western norms:

• Individualism
• Achievement
• Growth
• Fitting the norm………….

But I see things changing in our field but oh so slowly.  Individualism moving towards collective, systemic endeavours that honour the interconnectedness of everything and everyone.  Achievement and growth (performance coaching) being replaced by something more meaningful and transformative.  Fitting the norm moving towards speaking truth to power.

Everyone has a voice and deserves to be listened to.  That’s how I see love fitting into this space of coaching – a way of enabling others to find and express their voice, to be seen for who they are, to be heard with respect.  And not to be measured by a set of standards that no longer serve humanity.

M. Scott Peck talked of love as “the will to extend one’s self, for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”.  That’s the kind of love I am talking about here.  Agape love, not eros love.  bell hooks writes that our “awakening to love can happen only as we let go of our obsession with power and domination”.

With that as context….

Love in Practice: What it looks like in coaching

I concur with Caroline Bottrell’s research here that it shows up through total coaching presence and exquisite listening with all parts of ourself, not just our ears, both of which give a quality of attention that is (sadly) rare in other conversations.

It’s about really hearing and seeing the human in front of us for who they are, without judgment.

It’s the practice of “cultivating a generous heart” (Sharon Salzberg), freeing us “from the sense of isolation”.  “Love in action is always about service, what we do to enhance spiritual growth” (bell hooks), “empty[ing] the ego so that space can exist for compassion”.   Can you tell I’ve been reading a LOT about love lately?!!

And how about this for a definition of coaching, from my friend and sometimes mentor coach, Fran Fisher, “Coaching is the sacred space of Unconditional Love, where Learning, Growth and Transformation naturally occur.” Notice she goes further than using Rogers’ term “unconditional positive regard” and uses the word love.

Skills and behaviours must be prefaced with our own work on ourselves, to really access love, otherwise we are simply “techniquing” love.  For me, I have been doing that work through therapy, poetry that speaks of self-love (for example Julia Fehrenbacher’s work), Hrdaya yoga practice that helps me to be heartful as well as mindful, a love community with Helena Clayton and shiatsu bodywork.  For you, that work might be very different.

With that connection to the heart, we can move to…

• really believing that they are “creative, resourceful and whole” (Whitworth et al) and “trust their future potential” (Blakey and Day), no matter what their background or history; getting myself into this mindset before the coaching or supervision begins – not leaving this to chance.
• welcoming every part of them into the coaching room (eg, “Those tears are absolutely welcome here – feel free to let them flow”)
• contracting for what they want and need
• focusing on them, not looking away or down, so they feel the attention (as opposed to note-taking and therefore looking down)
• making time slow down (I can’t actually do this, but metaphorically speaking) so they can listen to themselves and make their own connections, trusting their own thoughts, feelings and emotions
• working somatically – allowing their body to be seen and heard
• enticing their emotions out to play, particularly (but not exclusively) hope, anger, grief, joy, and activism, all of which are reflections of love, according to Helena Clayton’s research
• noticing the tear pricks in their eyes or the slump in their shoulders.  Asking about what these mean and/or what they have to say
• not talking over them – except where we have contracted for interruptions in service of new thinking
• really hearing them, including what they are not saying, but that which is conveyed in their tone of voice, rising and falling pitch and pace
• being curious for their sake not my own
• playfulness that brings joy, by tapping into the wisdom of multiple intelligences
• being ok with the messiness, the not knowing, the emotion
• showing my own vulnerability, such that they might trust our partnership enough to not feel shame or diminishment
• not holding them to account – that’s a product of capitalist drive – but rather helping them to find their own mechanisms for accountability
• holding my own boundaries as a form of love to myself and modelling how they might do the same for themselves.

I could likely go on but, to me, in essence, it is all about them feeling seen and heard for all of who they are.  It can all be summed up in Simone Weil’s philosophy of attention.

And, as Carl Rogers said: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change” – the paradoxical nature of change.  No drive, no pushing forward, no trying hard. Simply being with what is and becoming more of who we are as we recognise ourselves.

Questions of love

Everything above is about showing our love through our ways of being.  What about introducing questions about love into our coaching?  In service of new thinking that is.

I listened to a wonderful podcast the other day, a conversation between Helena Clayton and Christopher Miller, in which Christopher shared three deep and rich questions about love that he asks in coaching.  He asks them in context, not right off the bat, but he says that they land incredibly well.  It’s us coaches who think that the questions might be “too much”.  I like his courage to ask, and I am going to introduce them into my own coaching, making love explicit:

• What would love do?
• What would love say?
• How would love feel?

Might you also experiment with these questions yourself, overcoming any discomfort you may have?

The essential role of tough love

This all sounds love-ly doesn’t it?  Soft and squishy.  And yet so vital to people’s feeling understood.  Martin Buber posits that genuine dialogue requires seeing the whole person rather than reducing them to their problems or goals.

There is still room for some tough love in here too though.  The “toughness” comes from refusing to collude in the client’s avoidance strategies, maintaining strategic silences that prompt deeper exploration, holding up a mirror to their limiting beliefs, creating a space where the client can confront their own truths, ratcheting up the tenor of the questions, giving space for the range of emotions, staying with discomfort, reflecting patterns.  All offered with love.  And as my therapist once caught me doing – not adding love as a footnote.

This exploration of how love manifests in coaching – from deep listening to confronting – helps us see that love isn’t one-dimensional. It exists on a spectrum from gentle acceptance to firm challenge, and effective coaching requires the full range.  This reminds me of a picture that my therapist drew when I was talking about my own relationships.  At one end was a hammer, a symbol of power and “being right”, hammering our point across.  At the other end was a heart, a symbol of care and love though at its extreme it became pussy-footing.  And in the middle was both power and love to confront.  I’ve just come across the word “care-frontation” which seems to sum this up better than confronting for me.

When we bring our full presence as coaches and refuse to settle for comfortable avoidance, we demonstrate love’s true power.

In my next post, I’ll address the question I posed earlier: “In what ways do you feel cramped in your display of love?” This will take us into the personal and systemic barriers that can inhibit our expression of love in coaching relationships. These constraints – whether internal or external – deserve examination if we’re to fully embrace love as central to our practice.

Until then, I invite you to reflect on where on the spectrum from gentle to tough love you feel most comfortable, and where you might benefit from expanding your range.