I recently attended a meditation retreat that focused on boundless friendliness. Friendliness to myself, to people I call my friends, and to those I dislike, as well as to those I do not know.
In the course of the weekend, I learned about Buddhism’s Five Great Fears, and I realised that these have all been a part of my life since I left my job back in August:
1. Fear of death – or in a smaller way, fear of endings. That was a big ending for me after seventeen years. It was hard, as most endings can be, with much grieving and a feeling of loss.
2. Fear of public speaking – or in a smaller way, fear of being visible. I am not fearful of public speaking, but I have found it difficult to talk to people I don’t know as I look for a new portfolio of work. I have also blogged less often, which suggests to me that I am somehow fearful of being visible in that way. (Hence this quite vulnerable post to get me back on track and visible again).
3. Fear of losing your mind (and reputation) – I’ve been reflecting (and doing) a lot on how to stay sharp, how to stay at the cutting edge of my field, how to keep my mind from going mushy in this “down-time”. I’ve been reading a lot; reflecting on what I am learning; attending training; discussing difficult challenges with colleagues. Blogging more will help with this too – distilling and translating what I read into something meaningful for you.
4. Fear of loss of livelihood – hmm, pretty obvious that one. How do I make money again? That’s coming together slowly, but surely. But the fear will be there even once I have money coming back in.
5. Fear of illness – I’m about to have a little op on my foot and I am pretty scared about that. It’s nothing, compared to many illnesses, but it’s still on my mind.
I am embracing all of these fears during this time of transition, trying to sit with them rather than pushing them away. I am attempting not to be averse to the adverse, but instead to move towards the fear with kindness to myself. I am meditating on boundless friendliness to myself…may I be safe and well, may I be peaceful, may I live with ease and with kindness. It’s helping me to work through the fear.
I think this is the first time in my life that all five fears have been so present all at the same time. But they are all teaching me something about myself. I know I don’t have nearly as much to be fearful of as many people in the world right now, but we are all human, and with humanity comes fear and kindness. What fears are you facing right now, and how are you approaching those fears (rather than pushing them away)?
Glad to see you blogging again. More power to you so you may overcome all your fears.
hi Shanti. Glad to be back, especially knowing that friends like you are with me.
Fear…it’s the biggie but learning to let go of it a little and focus on only changing the things you can and just accepting the rest, well it kinda helps, helped me anyway. Hope the op goes well.
Very deep and brave blog post, Clare. Interesting thought on embracing your fears – I am not denying them, just trying to let go.